Are You Giving the Right Signals?

Whether we are aware of it or not, we are giving out signals to others all throughout the day about who we are and what we are all about. We judge and are judged based on these signals. In a certain sense, signals and the screening process to detect them underpin social interactions of any type, whether for pleasure or business. Let's talk about some examples.

When Signaling is Blatant
This past week, a colleague of mine told me a story about a recent college grad she was interviewing that responded to the question, "What do you like to do in your spare time?" with the answer "I like to go out and party with my friends." My colleague told the story with an air of bafflement, marveling that a person having gone through college should not know that this is an inappropriate answer even if it is true. In other words, truthfulness can signal immaturity or lack of awareness of certain norms. The person didn't get the job.

On the Other Hand...
But sometimes a person can proudly proclaim their lack of a "filter" on what they say, indicating that they are too passionate or perhaps too important to play by the same rules as the rest of us. In game theory lingo, this is known as a "countersignal" and is very much the same as the genius wearing eccentric clothing (a suit with white tennis shoes) or the truly talented person downplaying their credentials. Signaling that we are the same as others, that we are "normal", puts us in the same bucket as everyone else. We all want to be abnormal, just in ways that are admired. Exceptional, not purely normal. The trick is knowing which rules to break. Another colleague listening to the story of the interviewee remarked, "at least you know you're going to get someone who says it like it is!"

Is This Some Kind of Game?
We all know the person who obsesses way to much about what others think, especially in the corporate world. They spend their days crafting a persona, wearing their credentials and accomplishments on their sleeves, and being entirely transparent about the game they are playing. If you are like me, this is laughable at best and intolerable at worst. Can't we just be who we are and forget all the social intrigue and gamesmanship? Fortunately, the answer is a resounding YES!

Find Your "True North"
It starts with being acutely aware of who we are and what we stand for. Our internal moral compass, our "True North" as a former CEO of my company, Bill George, described it, tells us what rules to break because obeying them would be breaking a more important personal rule. It helps, though, to have an accurate appreciation for how others perceive us because we are being screened based on the signals we are giving out. That may mean we "lose" at a game others are playing in order to win at a larger game. There is always a larger game.

Tell me about rules you or someone you know has chosen to break - countersignals and their impact. What about your "True North" - in what ways does your internal compass drive you to swim against the stream?